Obesity and Me

Here is one of those bare my soul posts . . .

Obesity is my new plan.  Yesterday I was hungered the whole entire day.  Hungered to the point I ate anything in site.  Stale Burnt Blacks, check.  Rancid sunflower seeds, check.  Gumballs, check.  The roast beef off of my dad's plate even though my dinner was in the oven, check.  I dug deep and found candy in my mother's pantry, I left the Twizzlers but ate the Dove chocolates I had given her for Valentine's.  My person truly had no limits.

Today I took a minute to browse my sister, Diane's blog.  In a most horrible act of reality, she put a picture of me in my swimsuit taken at 7-Peaks last summer.  A picture where my hips are double in proportion to what they should be.  Double!!!  Then my lower legs, in all their glory were blossoming like a rose in full bloom.

I am the tallest of my sisters.  I am largest of my sisters.  I am the least educated of my sisters.  I am in the worst physical condition of my sisters.  (Told you I am well aware of my weaknesses).

This morning, in true Aysen fashion, he found his own breakfast.  When he needs something from the kitchen he pushes a bar stool to the cupboard (he pays close attention when the cupboard doors are open and he knows where to fine everything).  He climbs the stool, gets on to the counter and can then access whatever he is looking for.  Today it was a mint chocolate orange leftover from Christmas (Amazing that it has lasted so long).  Andy told me Aysen was hungry, he must have witnessed the scene when he walked by on his way to work.  By the time I made it into the kitchen, the orange was out of its packaging and the gold wrapper was being peeled back.

I tried in vain to convince him he should eat breakfast first but when he resisted I decided it was a battle I wasn't willing to wage.  It was an orange, right?

Then once again, I indulged myself.  I needed my dose of 'fruit' for the day.

When Aysen and I made it home from playgroup I made cookies.  They weren't out of the oven for more than 35 seconds when I tried one.  Currently I've eaten four.

For lunch I made cheese crisps.  Delicious.  Cheese melted onto a fresh cooked tortilla.  I had two.  Afterwards I felt terrible.  My stomach is trying to tell my brain it should find some different dishes a little more nutritious.  It just doesn't seem to shout loud enough, never overpowering the triggers that convince me to eat all the wrong things.

Too bad I've wasted the calories I saved when at the first of this year I went 35 days without a sweet.  35 long days.  35 days when I thought of giving in hundreds if not thousands of times.  35 days proving to myself I can do hard things.  35 days when my carloric and sugar intake was in check.

I have a goal every day around noon to change.  To wake up at six and spend some time on my bike or walking my stairs or playing wii fit or doing the same amount of sit-ups and push-ups Taylei and Keanna are required to do during softball training.  You know, be an example of good health to my children.  Another one of those goals I'm falling significantly short in.

End Confession.

Hopefully getting my soul out on the line will help me to change.  To become who I am capable of becoming.  To be the better me.  Marie?  This works right?

If not, I'll succeed at the obesity goal.  Fat and happy?  Or fat and totally miserable in another facet of life I'm falling desperately short in.  I need to remember the saying I have repeated over and over again this last month, "We are NOT judged on our waist size" which I truly believe.  But, on the other hand, how I look in a swimsuit is just skimming the surface of the real issue.

P.S. You may get to see the real me in my writing but the picture inspiring this post will not defile my blog.  Imagination will have to do but, please be kind.